Ten easy steps to learn the name of your friend’s significant other

A Guide for INTs:

Step 1: Establish that the new beau is, in fact, a significant other. Are they going to hang around for at least a month? If not, you’re done. You can get by for at least four weeks by calling them variations of ‘sweetie’ or ‘mate’, and sometimes even longer.

Step 2: Invite your friend and their beau to a do. This will work only if there are people at the party that the beau hasn’t met. Then, invent a fun ‘party game’ where everyone needs to introduce themselves. This will allow you to avoid saying their name, and hopefully you can finally learn what it is when it’s their turn.

Step 3: When this plan is thwarted by being ‘too lame’, save face by changing the subject. Everyone will feel too awkward to say anything, and hopefully introduce themselves in private later. Aim to be nearby when this happens.

Step 4: At this point you must have heard their name at least twice. Yeah, okay, you still can’t remember what the fuck it is, but it starts with a ‘J’, and it’s definitely either Jason or John or James. Turn the J into a cute nickname and coast on this for at least three months. They’ll think you’re cool and fun, or be too awkward to correct you.

Step 5: After four months this person is now upgraded to ‘potentially someone I ought to be friends with’. Use Facebook to locate them on your friend’s friend list. If you’re outgoing, friend them yourself. You now have no excuse. Memorise it or be damned.

Step 6: Learn that their name is Joseph. This is okay, because the name has a nickname, so you can halve it and only need to remember half as much intel.

Step 7: Promptly forget their name.

Step 8: At the next do, ask your best friend their name. Discover that they don’t know it either. You both look them up on Facebook ten minutes before they arrive.

Step 9: When your friend and their significant other arrive, make a point to say their name when you greet them to finally imprint the damn thing in your brain. Success!

Step 10: Awkwardly discover that your friend and Joseph have broken up and that this is, in fact, Henry. Who you’ve apparently met. Fuck.

Rinse and repeat.

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