Five Easy Steps to Break Up With Your New Year’s Resolutions

1. (Commit to a diet)
Steal a giant hunk of the double fudge chocolate brownie (with extra fudge!) your best friend baked and brought to the New Year’s Eve party the night before. Eat it for breakfast.
 
2. (Make something every day)
Think about drawing something. Look up reference images on Google, get side tracked by Pinterest. Emerge five hours later.
 
3. (Find true love)
Start by making a Tinder account. Realise that Tinder is still a lot of work. Text your ex. Give up, because you remember that you already have a cat.
 
4. (Save, save, save)
Get an email advertising a New Year’s Sale at your favourite shop five minutes after you wake up. Don’t even hesitate – that’s what credit cards are for.
 
5. (Start exercising)
Convince yourself to do sit ups. Do two. Cry. Lay down again and watch the tv from the ground for a half hour because getting up is too much like doing a sit up.
 
Then finish that brownie, girl. You fucking deserve it.
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